So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
