I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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