he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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