she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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