There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
