Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
