I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
