i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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