i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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