somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
did i just pee glitter
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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