i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
