I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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