please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
