Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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