I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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