You made me cry and you don't even care
My friends, they love my intelligence
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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