I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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