I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
