What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
