Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
