You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The Olympian is in my bed
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
