I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
