Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
