; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
