I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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