I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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