So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
