i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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