i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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