This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
