i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
