what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
it's like iHOP with fire
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
