Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
