I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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