he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
