normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
