Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
