She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
