Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
