my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
