Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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