You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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