what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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