I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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