They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
