we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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