i need an iv and a liver transplant
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
