you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
