I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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