I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
